I attended a USO style review for our troops the other day at a military base because my daughter was dancing in it. As the show progressed, I noticed many things that seemed just a "bit out of wack". Most of them were the responsibility of the Engineer/Sound company that was handling the show. After a while, I decided I had better write them all down, so that I could post this list here to share with everyone.
Disclaimer: I have certainly made my share of mistakes on shows....even recently when I "should have known better". So I am not trying to elevate my own position by criticizing someone else. I just thought this might be somewhat amusing to the vets out there, and perhaps educational for the newbies.
Since I actually observed all 20 (and more actually) of these things on the same show, I decided to write it down as a sort of fictional "policy statement" of this particular sound company/engineer (who shall remain nameless). Here we go:
1) Show up so late that most of the performers don't get a chance to sound check or try out their parts on stage. You want each performance to be "fresh" and as "spontaneous" as possible.
2) Do the 1 sound check you might have time for after the house opens, just 10 minutes before the show is supposed to start. Audiences LOVE that!
3) As you hurry through that late sound check, talk back to the talent through their monitors AND the house PA so that any audience members who are taking notes can follow along on your progress.
4) Start the show 1/2 hour late. People just don't take the time to stop and smell....well, smell anything anymore. Sometimes you just have to force them to.
5) When the show finally starts, make sure that the MC's RF mic is turned off when you hand it to him. That way, when he comes out on stage, his frantic search for the right combination of the ON/OFF/MUTE/UNMUTE buttons is just added entertainment value!
6)Speaking of the RF mic, DON'T put that cheap receiver anywhere near the stage where you might get decent reception. Instead, put it 200' back at the FOH position where you can see the display and wish that you had a battery strength indicator on it. The inevitable dropouts "challenge" the audience to fill in the blanks, much like a crossword puzzle. Plus, "the hit's just keep on coming!"
7) Bring only 1 stage hand, even if the job calls for 3 or 4. That gets the performers more involved in the show, by making them move all their own mics, wedges, and cables around after they have been introduced.
Have that lonely stage hand wear something suitable, like light blue faded jeans. That will really jump out on the video being recorded!
9) Make sure that you don't bring an intercom to communicate with your lonely stage hand on stage. You will stay MUCH more physically fit if you both have to frantically run up and down the 200' length of the hall! Besides, it gives the audience something else to watch during the "lulls", or perhaps, "sensitive" parts of the show.
10) When that bandleader fires up his 18 piece Big Band, only use 4 mics on them. More mics = spoiled musicians.
11) When that bandleader goes to sing his first song, make sure that his vocal mic is off. Keep it off for the whole song, for good measure. Keep it off for half the next song too. When you do finally get around to turning it on, make it almost inaudible....that way it will still seem like it is off. Turn it off randomly over the rest of the show just to keep the bandleader on his toes. He's a Marine, so he shound be used to the "adapt, improvise, and overcome" philosophy.
12) If there is one thing a good 40s style Big Band needs, it's LOTS of BASS! TONS of it! Turn it WAAAAAY up! Especially in a really live big hall. Those older folks in the audience are involuntarily filling their Depends diapers as they enjoy your unique and bombastic approach to their favorite old-time music!
13) Don't actually mix anything during the show. That's supposed to be done in sound check. Instead, talk on your cell phone.....argue with your stage hand, or whatever it takes to actually avoid moving any faders to improve the mix. Mixing is for PUSSIES!
14) Don't go down into the seating area to listen to what the audience hears....EVER! That just complicates things. After all, if they don't like the mix where they are sitting, they can just move somewhere where the mix sounds different!
15) Use the wrong type of speakers for the venue. Then place them in a bad place. Just for good measure, aim them wrong too. Don't be fooled into thinking that trap cabs should be "splayed"! What kind of word is "splayed" anyways? Aim them all straight foward, no matter how many you have on each side. That "trap style" speaker box is only made that way to make your truck pack more challenging and exciting.
16) Centerfill? We don't need no stinkin' centerfill!
17) Basically, if you just bring a system that is too small for the venue, everyone will be more comfortable. If you have 3 different groups on stage at the same time....say....about 30 musicians and a few MCs, just bring a 20 channel console. That will promote a healthy "sharing" concept for the show - especially with only 4 monitor mixes!
18) Induce liberal amounts of feedback into the system throughout the show. Audiences will go home happily whistling the frequencies they heard all night, much like they hum their favorite tunes as they go about their business. Catchy stuff!
19) Take some kind of drug that makes you uncontrollably "twitchy" all night. It's kind of the "show within the show".
20) When asked for your business card, please badmouth the people that hired you. When they find out about it, you will defintely hear from them again.....real soon!
P.S Protams paarpubliceets
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